Scathing Book Reviews of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, by Tucker Max

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max is a book I’m not planning to read.  Why?  Well, if you’re familiar with the Tucker Max Blog, you don’t need more of the same on dead trees, and further, I already know enough Assholes, and have acted similiarly on enough occassions, to read about adventures in Assholery. 

It’s interesting that some people are able to make careers from a public persona of being an Asshole.  For all I know, Tucker Max may in his “real” life be a good guy.  But when he’s “working” or at least writing about what supposedly has happened, his job is to be an Asshole.  I know of at least one person who got into the Tucker Max blog a few years back, and his characterization of her was fairly spot on, so I guess at least some of the time he’s telling the truth and not making it up for his blog. 

Being an Asshole at bars and public places is fun enough for awhile, but I hope for his sake he slows down one day and contains his Asshole behavior to his neighbors and in-laws.  The Scathing Book Reviews of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell seem to wish Tucker Max would stick the book up his – oh you know what I mean:

 

I’m ashamed I even spent money on this junk. The only redeeming quality was that no one I knew saw me reading it on the airplane.

 …and:

Tucker Max is like Van Wilder: completely unentertaining and hasn’t figured out that what’s really cool when you’re 20 becomes really pathetic when you’re 30.

…and:

Anyone that would think this book is cute or funny should probably have a character assessment

…and:

If you’re more than a year out of community college, don’t bother.

…and:

The book is a lot like a drunk person…entertaining for a few minutes, then just annoying.

…and:

A shallow shell of a human being, Tucker will appeal to 15-23 yr olds with low critical thinking ability. If you like to read books, be sure you will not like this one.

…and:

Anyone buying this book knowing what it is about is a lunatic.

…and while this may be good advice, I don’t think anyone thinking of buying the book would make use of it:

If you want funny, Rabelaisian humour, try Jim Goad instead.

Scathing Book Reviews of The Odyssey, by Homer

The Odyssey was written by Homer. If you say that to anyone born after 1980, they’ll immediately imagine Homer Simpson in a Toga, or Ulysses fleeing from the Cyclops, tripping and saying “D’oh!”. Now before you dismay over the decline of Western Civilization, remember that from 1900 to 1988, when someone said “Homer”, the average person’s first thought was Baseball.

That said, have I ever actually read “The Odyssey”? Bits and pieces of it in other works, but never the whole thing all the way through, and I’ll wager that most people haven’t. Watching that Armand Assante Odyssey TV Miniseries doesn’t count, folks. These Scathing Book Reviews of The Odyssey try to persuade you that it’s not a trip worth taking:

This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages. Homer taking all long to say stupid stuff. Teens if you are reading this all I have to say is CLIFF NOTES CLIFF NOTES you will pass the test, unless you are in AP classes. The teachers expect kids to read cliff notes trust me my moms a teacher. P.S this book SUCKS

…and:

Although it may seem intriguing, this book can drive one to the brink of insanity.

…and:

It was tedious, boring, and extremely conceited.

…and:

I couldn’t even get past the first ten pages with any comprehension of what this was about. I reread lines half a dozen times with no idea of what Fagles [the translator] was talking about. What the heck is “hearth smoke”? What person alive says “that nonsense coming past your teeth”?

…and:

The general plot is rather repetitive. Odysseus overcomes a challenge on an island, and while leaving via boat, a storm takes him to yet another island, where the process is repeated. This makes the story predictable and less interesting.

…and:

I pity all of those souls who have to endure reading this utter rubbish. Every time I attempt to read it, it puts my wee self to sleep. This book is so boring, and I can not fathom how people (even though if they are pretentious secondary school teachers or literature lecturers)can still find this enjoyable.

…and:

If you’re going to read either The Iliad or The Odyssey, and you’re not a 2700 year-old Greek or Trojan, buy a Cliff Notes to help fill you in.

…and this Book Review that faults Homer for a lack of originality:

I feel like I heard this story many times before. Not cutting edge. Lots of interesting characters though. Unreallistic platitudes as they relate to the human condition. Homer has a lot of growing up to do.

…and this great review by a Freshman in High School:

I thought this story was very gross. I mean come on. We are having to read this book in freshman English. Actually our teacher reads it to us, but it is still disgusting. We are also having to watch the movie of this, talk about gruesome. It’s like Scylla comes out of the water and chomps these people out of the ship and blood showers everywhere. I almost threw up every day when we watch this movie. We watch a little each day. I am over there about to puke up my toes and everybody else, all the boys anyway, are saying how cool it is. My boyfriend just laughs when I tell him I almost threw up in there, he is a freshman, so he has to watch it also. I’m sure he thinks it is awesome,but I don’t.

Scathing Book Reviews of No Country for Old Men, by Cormac McCarthy

After the 2008 Oscars, No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy will forever be associated with the Coen Brothers, Javier Bardem, and one bad haircut. The books stands on its own, however, and friends of mine tell me its even better than the movie. However, these critical reviews of No Country for Old Men find no good in “No Country”:

OK, who kidnapped Cormac McCarthy and then submitted a manuscript apparently written by George W. Bush in his name? This is the most disappointed I have ever been with a book.

…and:

I thought ‘The Road’ was overrated but enjoyable, so I gave this one a try. I am now convinced that Cormac McCarthy is the most overrated writer in the US right now.
…and:

McCarthy’s writing style is painful to read. He is too cool for quotation marks–what is the point of that? Is it the IMPACT?

…and:

This is the story of Sheriff Bell, an insufferable dullard who won’t shut up about how criminals these days are really evil (as opposed to all the lovely ones he knew of when growing up?). He’s also a world-class boaster, never going more than a few pages without telling us how fantastic is wife Loretta is. The same Loretta who spends most of her time baking for or writing to evil criminals — which tells me all I need to know about that marriage.

…and:

The dialogue is horrendous and very confusing. I can’t remember any book with such cheesy and unremarkable characters – I wish that they could have all been killed sooner just to shorten the miserable reading experience. I barely passed English 102 and I think that I could do better than Cormac McCarthy.

…and:

McCarthy’s “spare” language is an affectation as tiresome as the voluminous silks of Aubrey Beardsley. “Ahhhh yep” is not my idea of great prose.

…and:

Total crap and a waste of money; if the author showed up on my doorstep I would not only my money back, but bill him for my time.

…and this review, which seems to have been written by one of the book’s characters:

I am an old man. Lived in Texas for 24 years. Too bad the lowest rating is one star … this book deserves less.