Scathing Book Reviews of Breaking Dawn (Book 4 of the Twilight Saga) by Stephenie Meyer

Breaking Dawn, the finale to the Twilight Saga, by Stephenie Meyer, ends a series of books popular to teenage girls of all ages and sexes.  I have read the synopsis myself and I have to say that the ending is not what most readers would come to expect, and one that most parents would not encourage for their children.

SPOILER ALERT

All I can say is, any book that ends with a teenage girl married to an undead 100 year old teenage boy, who impregnates her even though he has no “precious fluids”, which leads her to give birth to a vampire child and then become undead herself…  Well let’s just say that Bella isn’t a great role model. Friends don’t let friends become undead mothers.

END SPOILERS

These Scathing Book Reviews of Breaking Dawn think that Stephenie Meyer should have titled it “Breaking Down”:

The Twilight series has never been great– it’s been sloppily-written, almost plot-less, and incredibly cheesy– but it’s been a guilty pleasure. Or at least the first book was. New Moon was bad, Eclipse was worse, and now Breaking Dawn is the cherry on top of the really horrible sundae. It rapidly goes from unintentionally hilarious, to awful, to leaving the reader wondering how it ever got published

…and:

Everyone who hasn’t purchased the book yet, don’t bother. You can probably find a few thousand copies at any local dumpster.

…and:

 I think a lot of fans, die hards and those (like me) who just like to read a good book or series, woke up this morning thinking, “What was she thinking when she wrote this?”

…and:

I must admit that I was one of those screaming girls last night (early early early this morning!!!) who had to be one of the first in line to purchase (PRE-purchase!!) “Breaking Dawn”. I wish I had gone to bed instead!

…and a SPOILERISH excerpt from a very long, good, but R-rated review:

Further about the sex. Edward apparently just can’t control himself after the sex, and eats the pillows, tearing them to shreds. The second time he attacks the headboard. Judge that one for yourself. I find it ridiculous.

…and:

No more flinching, wincing, or cringing for me. Stephanie Meyer, I’m quitting you.

…and:

If you haven’t already, do NOT read. Convince yourself that the series ended with Eclipse, and let your imagination run wild for what happens next (for it won’t run any wilder than Meyers). And let’s have a moment of silence for a short but brillant writing career that will never fully recover.

…and this reviewer knows the real reason Breaking Dawn and the Twilight Saga “bites” – George Bush, of course(!?!):

I am struck how low women’s roles in fantasy have sunk during the Bush administration. While Buffy was a strong and progressive leader and hero, Bella is a passive retrograde heroine that makes the women of the fifties seem feminist.

Scathing Book Reviews of Fantasy Lover (The Dark Hunter Series), by Sherrilyn Kenyon

Fantasy Lover, by Sherrilyn Kenyon, is Book 1 of what became the The Dark Hunter Series of Books. What exactly is a Dark Hunter?

Sherrilyn Kenyon’s website has the answer we seek:  “You want to know what a Dark-Hunter is? We are what the intro says. We’re Mad, Bad and Immortal. We’re ancient warriors with attitudes who fight rough, and play hard.”

Now I ask you, if that’s the author’s official  summary of the Dark Hunter series, then what need is there for a scathing review? Nevertheless, if you need more insight, here’s an official video to promote the 12th book in the Dark Hunter series Archeron.

Based upon what I’ve read, its good pulpy romantic vampire fiction, “good” being a relative term, and “pulpy” not.  Imagine an unchaste version of The Twilight Saga.  I don’t what it is about the women who like to read the Dark Hunter series and these types of novels, but the underlying theme seems to be that its easier to love a man when he’s dead.  These Scathing Book Reviews of Fantasy Lover think the series is best classified as “comedy” or “horror”:

This odious books is one of the WORSE reads I’ve ever come across. I am astonished it was published, let alone, rated so highly by other readers.

…and:

All I can say is WOW!…After reading this book, all I could do was laugh (and feel my IQ evaporating).

…and:

This book is supposed to take place in 2002 and yet one finds one self being thrown right back to the 80’s where we (let us just admit it) had no style, no taste, no understanding of quality what so ever.

…and:

Goofy, thinly disguised porn, but sort of fun if what you want is sex scenes. More “hot” than plot–Just don’t buy it for character development.

…and:

I could have overlooked [the] ridiculous characterizations were it not for the dialogue. At one point, the 29 year old heroine admonishes the hero with this crushing setdown: “Whoa, Buster!” Or how about this gem? “Holy Guacamole!” I know one woman who says things like that–my 84 year old grandmother. No sexy, current, PhD speaks like this. I know, because I am a sexy, current PhD.

…and at least one redeeming quality:

l will tell you what was good about this book. The hero is a Spartan Warrior. Awesome! Remember Brad Pitt as Achilles in “Troy”?

…and some good points, with the inevitable bemoaning of American literary standards:

There are so many things wrong with this book, I don’t even know where to start. Right away I have a problem with a sex therapist who hasn’t had sex in years and has never had a satisfying sexual experience. Perhaps she should consider some other line of work?… Honestly, I can’t understand the American reading public. Why is this book such a hit? Is this what passes for literature these days? Have our standards dropped so low? It is embarrassing.

Scathing Book Reviews of “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen is one of those books that hovered about the edge of my male consciousness, vaguely associated with “Wuthering Heights”, men in Top Hats and PBS.

Then my wife and I somehow got into a “Jane Austen movie” viewing jag, or let’s say she did and I was along for the ride, and I found myself enjoying the movies, though the themes are pretty similar… We even watched The Jane Austen Book Club which ain’t bad, and Becoming Jane. Now, dare I actually READ these books? Probably, but these readers critical reviews of Pride and Prejudice may give me a prejudice against them:

I put it down at about page 100. From a fan of IMMANUEL KANT, this was too boring. Honestly, after I put it down, I had to study the Diamond Sutra and the Book of Job to get the vapid feeling out of my head.

…and:

This book failed to hold my interest and was nothing more than the chatterings and trivialities of women who want a man. Overly ‘girly’ and weak literature. F-

…and:

Over two- hundred pages wasted on useless tasteless writing! I read this book in school, and it was a majority consensus in my senior English class that Pride and Prejudice was awful.

…and:

i would recommend ppl to keep away from such a horror~ it hasn’t got the right to be called a ‘NOVEL’. i prefer lord of the flies.

…and:

I would not read again. If you like torture read book. If you smart spend money on beacon soda

…and:

This story was written in the early Victorian era, and hence it is quite old. We need to move on from the old ‘classics’. They mean nothing to readers (are there many left?) of the modern society.

…and:

lthought this may appeal to worthless romantics, it will not perform well to the MTV generation. The movie starred Hugh Grant. Please………[sic – the reviewer is thinking of Sense and Sensibility]

…and this reviewer finds the hidden – EXTREMELY well hidden, I might add – link between Jane Austen and Jerry Springer:

Essentially, it concerns a bunch of smart-aleck, stuck-up self-righteous phonies who try to outdo each other with their sarcastic and smart-aleck remarks. Give me a break, all of you who supposedly like this dull, monotonous, shallow book!! It is utterly beyond my comprehension how in the world this garbage is considered one of the great books of world literature. It is simply a 19th century British version of the Jerry Springer show.

Scathing Book Reviews of The Bridges of Madison County, by Robert James Waller

The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller is so emblematic of the 1990s that in a “The Simpsons” flashback episode to the early 90s, Homer is seen reading a copy with a tear in his eye. It’s definitely a love it or hate it book, with equal numbers of 5 and 1 star reviews. It certainly tore up the best seller lists back then – these reviews make it clear that some would prefer to jump off a bridge before rereading it:

I despised this book; it is poorly written, with cardboard characters and wooden dialogue, and its only virtue is its brevity

…and:

This is a terrible book. An insulting book. A dangerous book. It is so bad, so BAD. that it should have been sealed in foil like that dirty book Madonna put out a few years ago that showed pictures of her doing, uh, stuff.

…and:

So why is this book so bad? You might as well ask, why is the ocean so wet?

…and:

If you enjoy reading Harlequin Romances while listening to “You Light Up My Life” played on a Hammond organ, then “Bridges” might be for you.

…and:

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but if this book were a horse, I’d have to shoot it.

…and:

Pungent Piles of Purple Prose! Pulsing Pangs of Poignant Pain! Perverted Peek at Porno Past!

…and:

This book is essentially worthless drivel. “He moves like a gazelle…” ?!? Is the author serious?

…and:

It was so sappy and stupid, it should be sold with a supply of Dramamine.

…and short and sweet:

Don’t bother. Your time would be better spent watching All My Children.

Scathing Book Reviews of Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte falls rather outside my reading circle, but its certainly one of those books that you’d like to be able pretend you’ve read, particularly when talking with women of a certain age, many of whom seem to use it as a touchstone of some kind.

Perhaps I will – but these Scathing Book Reviews of Wuthering Heights would like it to take a leap:

Heathcliff is a loser in every sense of the word. If Heathcliff were alive today he’d be in jail or hospitalized as “criminally insane”.

…and:

Wuthering Heights is inundated with Emily Bronte’s so-called unique style. It’s style is unique alright, if by unique you mean a brand new alternative form of euthanasia.

…and:

I hadn’t realized just how much I loathed [the characters] until halfway through the book, when a major character died, and all I could think was, “THANK GOD! THANK GOD!”

…and:

It sucked: The Real name of this book should be Wuthering Bites. This book is a piece of poo and there is no exciting parts. The whole book pretty much bit and I will never read it again.

…and:

The only reason I finished it was to settle an oddly masochistic wager with a family member… If there is such a thing as hell, for me, it would be an empty room with nothing but a copy of Wuthering Heights in it.

…and:

Some great works of literature are best lost to posterity and this one may head the list. Yet, we must read it if we are in an English Literature survey course.

…and there’s this, with advice that would have solved all of poor Emily Bronte’s problems… (!):

Oh poor poo-poo Heathcliff the Brooding and Catherine the ill fated strumpet. Yawn. Emily Bronte lived one of those lives like that of the other Emily, you know, Dickenson, who is another pile of rubbish altogether. Lonely days and cold nights with her father, , and no hot little encounters with a horny gardener from Spain. All Emily Bronte needed was a good tango, but I fear that she was too chaste.